What is the Difference Between Loving Someone and Being in Love?
Love is a profound and complex emotion that can be difficult to define. When we love someone deeply, that person becomes very special and important to us. Loving someone often involves caring deeply about them, wanting the best for them, appreciating who they are, and being willing to be vulnerable and intimate with them.
There are many different types of love one can feel for another person. We love our family members, friends, pets, partners, children, etc. The love we feel for each of these connections is unique. The love between a parent and child is profoundly different than the love between friends. Romantic love brings its own complexities.
Romantic love introduces attraction, passion, romance, intimacy and sex. Falling in love is an emotional high that floods the brain with euphoria. New romantic love is marked by elation, an intense preoccupation with the beloved and a craving for reciprocity. For people newly in love, nothing matters more than spending time together and sharing thoughts, dreams and desires.
During this stage of love, the brain releases hormones like dopamine and oxytocin that produce feelings of happiness and bonding. Falling in love also activates areas of the brain associated with reward, motivation and habit formation. This makes romantic love feel addictive, as we long for our next “fix” of the one we love.
During this stage of love, the brain releases hormones like dopamine and oxytocin that produce feelings of happiness and bonding
Falling in love is the beginning stage of a romantic relationship that can feel exhilarating and overwhelming. When we fall in love, we idealize the beloved, magnify their positive traits and explain away flaws. Everything about them and the new experience feels exciting. Those in this early stage of love crave spending time together and learning everything about the other person while bonding intimately. This emotional high is not built to last, but rather to encourage attachment so a deeper relationship can form over time.
When we fall in love with and start a relationship with someone, we expect it to last and for our love to deepen. While those first lovesick months are marked by excitement, later stages of love are calmer and can feel more secure. The person you love becomes an enduring part of your life, someone you want to grow with, be vulnerable with, compromise for, and sacrifice for.
Loving someone means knowing and accepting them completely—the lovely parts and the messy parts. It means choosing them every day and believing they’ll choose you too. Loving someone brings a sense of comfort, care, respect, intimacy and commitment. While the excitement may fade, the strong attachment remains. You feel securely tied to that person and the relationship.
Being in love usually applies to the beginning stages of a romantic relationship. It’s associated with newness, intensity, arousal, exhilaration and consuming passion. People use phrases like “head over heels” and “lovestruck” to describe being in love. The experience involves an emotional high caused by a surge of dopamine in the brain as well as bonding hormones like oxytocin. Being in love motivates us to be near the other person.
In contrast, loving someone is calmer and runs deeper. It’s built on truly knowing and understanding someone over time, flaws and all. Loving someone inspires feelings of tenderness, affection, protectiveness and appreciation. The excitement and urgency gives way to comfort, stability, compromise and commitment. While loving someone may involve romance, passion and attraction just like with being in love, the feelings are less overwhelming and all-consuming. They feel more manageable and part of your normal life, not something that takes over.
Both being in love and loving someone are beautiful stages of a relationship. While being in love is temporary, true love can last years when both people choose each day to nurture their bond. Some lucky partners can even recapture some of the magic of being in love after being together for decades. They once again feel adoration akin to the early days of falling head over heels.
In contrast, loving someone is calmer and runs deeper
Yes, it's absolutely possible to love someone without being in love with them. The distinction lies in the type of love and how it's expressed.
We all have people we care deeply about, like close friends and family members. This is a heartfelt love we have for those who are important to us. We want the best for them and will make sacrifices to help them, but we aren't romantically or sexually attracted to them.
You can also love a romantic partner without being head over heels in love with them in the beginning stages of a relationship. As intimacy and trust grows, caring love develops before the sparks of being "in love" are ignited. Building a foundation of loving affection and respect keeps relationships strong as the heat of new love fades.
Lastly, in long-term relationships, mature love mellows into a less fiery but still devoted attachment. You choose to show love through acts of kindness, compromise and commitment. The intoxication of early romance evolves into abiding adoration and tenderness.
So while being in love implies passion and excitement, you can absolutely love someone platonically, romantically or loyally without it. Real love runs far deeper than a temporary emotional high.
You can absolutely love someone platonically, romantically or loyally without it. Real love runs far deeper than a temporary emotional high.
It's absolutely possible to say "I love you" to someone you care about deeply without necessarily being "in love" with them. Love has many forms, each special in their own way.
The phrase "I love you" is often associated with romantic love and being in love. Saying it to a new romantic partner is a big milestone representing vulnerability, commitment and passion. However, these three words can convey other types of heartfelt love as well, such as:
Some cultures are very open about expressing platonic, affectionate love between friends. Others reserve "I love you" for romantic love. The meaning depends on the relationship, the context and the individuals involved. Regardless, saying "I love you" without romantic intentions is valid and real. Don't let notions of what society considers "true love" constrain you.
Wondering if you're truly in love or just enamored with the idea of it is an important question. Here are some ways to tell the difference:
Take time to reflect. Look beyond warm fuzzy feelings to how much you genuinely know, understand and care for the whole person. True love requires meaningful connection, not just magic.
Infatuation focuses on how the relationship/person makes YOU feel
Yes, there are many unspoken ways to say "I love you" and show you care:
Love has a thousand unspoken languages. Share your unique love language often.
The feeling of loving someone is warm, comforting and secure. It's built on care, understanding and acceptance that develops over time. Loving someone means you feel safe with them, can be your authentic self, want to help them become their best self, and desire to share a future together.
In contrast, being in love is a temporary exhilarating high caused by a rush of euphoria-inducing neurochemicals. It's an intense intoxication marked by rapid heartbeat, racing thoughts, sexual desire, possessiveness and a craving for emotional reciprocity. Unlike mature love, being "in love" can't last forever without shifting into calmer but deeper loving emotions.
Another key difference is that loving someone is a choice to nurture an intimate bond while the sensation of being "in love" happens involuntarily. Real lasting love therefore takes some work. It grows from compassion, compromise, communicating clearly, resolving conflicts in a fair manner, and embracing each other's whole self, strengths and flaws alike.
The glow and sparkle of being in love inevitably changes into steadier, more reliable loving feelings. Both are to be treasured.
In contrast, being in love is a temporary exhilarating high caused by a rush of euphoria-inducing neurochemicals.
What’s the difference between loving someone and being in love? Here are the key distinctions between these two relationship stages according to social psychologists:
Love is built gradually by getting to know someone. It’s characterized by intimacy and affection but not necessarily romantic passion. Love often starts as liking someone and caring about them. It comes from experiencing life together and reciprocally meeting each other's needs. Love is bolstered by companionship and forming an emotional attachment. It means choosing to nurture fondness and friendship.
In contrast, being in love ignites more suddenly and feels highly emotional and romantic. It may seem to strike randomly or overwhelm you. Being in love triggers a euphoric neurochemical response thought to encourage bonding. You obsess over the person, crave physical closeness, feel elated, and idealize them. In love signals the start of attraction between prospective romantic partners. It’s inherently unstable and ephemeral.
While love develops slowly and matures over years, being in love is a transient stage. But if two partners choose to keep nurturing their relationship, that heady feeling can sometimes be recaptured later on. They once again delight in each other and fall in love all over again. So being “in love” can come and go, but true love remains constant.
What distinguishes simply loving someone from the dizzy euphoria of being head over heels in love? Understanding the psychological differences can help you grasp the state of your own relationship and where it might go next.
Loving Someone
Being in Love
The feelings of being in love are temporary and give way to the steadier, nurturing love that endures. Understanding the shifts helps you appreciate the stage you're in.
That euphoric feeling of being in love typically lasts 6 to 18 months before fading into a different emotional state. What causes this change? A few key factors:
Brain chemistry
Falling in love releases neurochemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine and oxytocin. Over time the brain adjusts to these surges, muting the high.
Idealization fades
In early love we ignore flaws and embellish positive traits of the beloved. Seeing their humanity makes the spell wear off.
Secure attachment forms
The anxiety and desire of new love gives way to a sense of safety and comfort with a long-term partner.
Goals shift
The anxious goal of establishing a relationship is replaced by the joint project of building a life together.
Rose-colored glasses come off
Euphoria makes way for clear-eyed reality. We stop seeing our partner as perfect and exciting 24/7.
Familiarity grows
As mystery and novelty wear off, companionship remains. We cherish not only excitement but ordinary life with our mate.
Hormones change
Reduced estrogen and testosterone in long-term relationships reduces sexual urgency and intense passion.
While being “in love” naturally fades, we can keep nurturing intimacy, affection and respect - the foundations for lasting love.
Over time the brain adjusts to these surges, muting the high.
The feeling of being in love is one of life's greatest thrills. It makes the world come alive with possibility and fills us with restless energy. We feel elated, captivated by the love object, craving their attention and living for each interaction. This emotional high state can become addictive. We long to get that "fix" of dopamine each time we see our beloved's face light up. This dazzling feeling convinces us we've found "the one" - our perfect match.
Yet this euphoria is not built to last. Inevitably, we come back down to earth. The person we put on a pedestal starts to show their humanity. Flaws we once ignored become visible. We settle into the comfort of routine coupled life instead of constant excitement. While being in love always fades with time, true love deepens if we nourish it.
Loving someone deeply means embracing the whole complicated, flawed person inside and out. It's offering comfort and compassion through life's ups and downs. It's the satisfaction of knowing your partner profoundly - who they truly are and what makes them tick. Love also involves commitment to growing old together, facing obstacles as a team, and creating shared meaning.
Falling in love gives relationships a needed spark. But only abiding love can sustain long-term partnerships. With time, care and wisdom, lovers can ignite romance again and again across the years. By understanding love's stages, we gain insight into our relationships.
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