The phrase âif they wanted to they wouldâ has become a popular relationship mantra, especially on TikTok where videos about it have gone viral. But what exactly does this phrase mean and is it always true?
At its core, âif they wanted to they wouldâ means that if someone genuinely wants to do something, they will make it happen regardless of obstacles or excuses. When applied to relationships, it implies that if someone truly cares about you and wants to be with you, they will make the effort to interact, communicate, and spend time with you.
So when someone frequently makes excuses or doesn't follow through on plans, the assumption is that they simply don't want to badly enough. As TikTok user @kylieemorgan explained in a video that popularized this phrase: "If the person wanted to text you, they would. If they wanted to call you, they would...People make time for who they want to make time for."
While neat and tidy in theory, the reality is relationships are complex. Circumstances, timing, emotional issues, and misunderstandings can all affect someone's ability to pursue a relationship, even if interest exists. As they say, the path of true love never did run smooth.
So while "if they wanted to they would" might sometimes accurately reflect disinterest, it's an oversimplification. Here are some important caveats:
Some people naturally take more initiative, while others are shy or passive
So while a pattern of excuses or lack of follow-through can signal disinterest, occasionally life does get in the way. It takes time and communication to truly understand motivations.
Societal expectations often portray men as initiators who should pursue women to prove interest. For this reason, the phrase "if he wanted to he would" particularly frustrates some men who feel it discounts their emotional needs.
Many men do appreciate and enjoy feeling wanted and pursued in relationships. They like to feel attractive and cared about too. However, various factors can inhibit men from always initiating contact first, even when interest exists.
Cultural norms, fear of rejection, uncertainty about your feelings, or trying not to appear overly eager can all hold men back from constantly driving the relationship.
Like anyone, men want to feel wanted in a balanced relationship but may still have difficulty always being the proactive one for a variety of reasons. Keeping this in mind helps create realistic expectations.
Like anyone, men want to feel wanted
While the black and white thinking of "if they wanted to they would" has some truth, use these tips to gain a more nuanced perspective:
Don't play games or guess motives. Ask how they feel about you and the relationship status.
While "if they wanted to they would" is an oversimplification, a pattern of excuses, lack of initiative, or half-hearted interest typically reveals where you stand in someone's priorities. But allowing room for imperfect human behavior helps balance this perspective.
Let's explore some common dating and relationship scenarios to illustrate the nuances around this phrase:
Situation: Youâve been dating someone exclusively for months, but he still hasnât introduced you to his friends.
Application: This could indicate lingering commitment issues or concerns about the relationship. Have an honest talk about taking things to the next level and meeting each otherâs important people.
Situation: A guy you casually dated for a few weeks stops calling and texting suddenly.
Application: Unfortunately, this behavior often signals waning interest. Donât take it personally, but do mourn the loss, distract yourself with friends, and get back out there when ready.
Situation: Youâve been dating someone for 6 months. He cares about you but often doesnât follow through on weekend plans, citing work stress.
Application: Making time for a partner should be a priority after this long. Assess whether work stress is a valid impediment or merely an excuse for lack of enthusiasm about the relationship.
Some relationship experts caution that âif they wanted to they wouldâ promotes unrealistic expectations, especially for men. Suggesting people have total control over making time for relationships ignores real constraints like:
No one behaves perfectly at all times. While clear patterns of disinterest are illuminating, have compassion for legitimate external factors that can unintentionally inhibit relationship effort temporarily.
Rather than rigid expectations, cultivate mutual care through:
The core truth in âif they wanted to they wouldâ is that reciprocal interest and effort are crucial in relationships. But people show interest and care in different ways, and life often interrupts good intentions. With open communication, empathy, and observing patterns, you can better gauge motivations and determine whether excuses reflect disinterest or are simply life happening.
Rather than rigid expectations, give things time to develop. Mutual interest makes itself known through consistent enthusiasm and investing in each other when it really counts. Meet your partner where they are, while asking for what you need.
Ultimately, the phrase âif they wanted to they wouldâ reveals a lot about our own self-worth and esteem. If someoneâs interest feels ambiguous, it can leave you questioning your value. But remember:
When you know your worth, you wonât waste time or energy chasing inconsistent people. Their actions make evident if youâre an option versus a priority. Free yourself to find fulfillment with someone who cherishes you.
As TikTok user @kylieemorgan summed up about this popular phrase: âHereâs the last thing I want to say on this: âIf they wanted to, they wouldâ doesnât mean they donât care about you as a human being. It doesnât mean they dislike you...It means at the end of the day, they are not willing to invest their time and energy into pursuing you or being in a serious relationship with you.â
This mindset shift empowers you to walk away with dignity intact when patterns clearly communicate disinterest. You deserve reciprocal care, not breadcrumbing affection. Remember your worth always.